Commentary - December 2001

Naughty or Nice?

It’s Not Easy Being Santa in 2001

by Lyle Brennan

You may think you have problems running your business, but this is the time of year to be thankful you are not Santa Claus, alias Public Enemy Number One. Just think of all the explaining Santa would have to do if the government and the liberals decided they wanted to prosecute him for the many offenses he commits every year. Wouldn’t OSHA like to get its hands on that workshop of his? Have you ever seen a picture of the elves wearing protective goggles or hardhats? I don’t think so. And how could those slippers with the curled-up toes provide as much protection as steel-toed work boots? Are those workstations ergonomically correct? And what about Santa himself – climbing around on roofs without safety gear and sliding down chimneys without a fire retardant suit?

And then there’s the sleigh. The DMV, the Highway Patrol and the FAA would have a major battle deciding who gets to write him up for all those violations. As far as I know, he doesn’t have either a driver’s license or a pilot’s license, and there are no license plates on that thing, either. At the very least, Santa would be cited for failing to wear a seatbelt, eye protection and probably a helmet. In order to be safe, the sleigh should have airbags, a rollbar, rear view mirrors, an aircraft avoidance strobe, a seat belt warning buzzer and backup lights. The reindeer should be equipped with headlights and tail lights, and their antlers should be trimmed close to their heads so as not to obstruct the driver’s view.

Speaking of reindeer, there’s another whole area that could turn messy in a hurry.

They are probably considered endangered by some government agency, and keeping them penned outside the workshop has to be a violation of zoning laws. I’m surprised the animal activists at PETA haven’t shut down Santa’s operation for exploiting Rudolph and his furry friends. That animal-hating Santa even wears leather boots and trims his suits with fur!

The same environmentalists who are so concerned about oil drilling in the Artic could gang up on St. Nick for despoiling the northern wilderness by operating a business there. Not only that, but he violates the California Clean Air Act every time a reindeer breaks wind over the Left Coast, releasing dangerous ozone-depleting compounds into the air. No wonder the ozone layer is thinner over the polar regions, with all the methane those flying deer are emitting into the fragile atmosphere.

The Surgeon General is very likely to ruin Santa’s reputation by declaring that his bad habits set a terrible example for the nation. Not only does he eat cookies and distribute candy canes, but he even smokes a pipe filled with tobacco. He gets children addicted to unhealthful eating by plying them with candy early in their impressionable lives. Has anybody looked into charges that he’s being paid off by the sugar lobby?

I’ve heard rumors that the next big television talk-show exposé will feature the sweatshop Santa Claus is running in the guise of a charitable operation. Do the elves have union representation? Do the little guys earn minimum wage or get holiday pay for working on Christmas Eve? Inquiring minds want to know. Do they get W-2s or 1099s every year? Is Santa filing quarterly payroll reports? Speaking of our friendly neighborhood IRS, has Santa Claus himself filed income tax returns? I’m pretty sure he would have to declare the value of all those glasses of milk and plates of cookies as non-cash income. Come to think of it, I wonder if Santa Claus has a green card to allow him to legally work in the United States. Yes, Virginia, he might actually be an illegal alien.

If our jolly old friend manages to escape the clutches of the federal government, an even fiercer opponent lies in wait – the dreaded feminist lobby. Santa Claus represents everything these women have come to hate. He’s a middle-aged, white, European male in a position of power, the perfect symbol of male dominance. Not only that, he actively promotes gender bias by giving Barbie dolls to girls and Tonka trucks to boys. And Santa had better watch out for Jesse Jackson and his cronies, too. He’ll probably be accused of being a Eurocentric racist because of statistics that show minority children are more likely to live in homes without chimneys.

If Santa Claus is still left standing after all these attacks, there is one thing that may put the final nail in his holly-decorated coffin – one terrible fact he cannot deny that will lead to his downfall. Not only does he encourage people all over the world to celebrate a Christian holiday, but he is one of the few remaining people in this 21st century world of relativism who still categorizes deeds as either "naughty" or "nice."

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Lyle Brennan Publisher
COMMENTS? email: lyle@nbj.com